Hindsight – a bucket list

What I would do differently if I were to do it all over again with what I know in hindsight?

In looking back over this after writing it – it does look like I am beating myself up – so taking the lens of maternal guilt away – these are the things that I could have done better.

I have no idea whether saving Kathryn Skye was what I was ‘supposed’ to do – but in so doing I have changed a vast number of people’s lives and she and her presence has given meaning to far more than I will ever know of.

1) – During pregnancy I would have paid attention to my own incredible ill health.  Lack of Iodine, Zinc, Magnesium all played their part in this saga of my not knowing and decades on starting a wish list of what I could have done (in hindsight) so much better ..

The massive upper respiratory infection (toxoplasmotic infection) that was so unlike anything else I had ever had would have been fixed had I been looking after me. I was not.  As a ‘good’ mum I was focused on the children.  Look after your own mask first they say on planes. . ..

Vitamin C in therapeutic doses – at least 10 grams spread over the day would possibly with the addition of Zinc – as it is so deficient in the soil and Selenium – ditto – and Vit D – and Iodine (I did not know I was so thyroid challenged) would all have meant my immune system would have had some help.  Magnesium would have helped all the uterine cramps and insomnia and allowed maternal coping.

Of course had I been happy in my marriage and had we been relating well the underlying inner distress would possibly have meant healing may have been able to happen.

2) – When Skye was vomiting milk from her nose and when she was not well and discharged at 5 days old as a well baby – when she so patently was not – I could have demanded care – but was more interested in getting home to look after the boys better than was happening with me not being there.

As she fell into the huge hole of neurological disintegration I could have demanded care – but my then husband made such a deal of having a paediatrician and his not even thinking the problem was bad enough to even warrant talking with me – let alone seeing her.

Me not just walking into the hospital and demanding care was the major stumbling block.  As she became more and more dysfunctional and harder to keep awake (going into a coma) and harder to breastfeed, I just tried harder . .. ..

3) – When she was in intensive care and dying – I could have stopped keeping her here. I saved her  from dying actually many times. That would have been easier and for her – ???who knows – better???

4) – Starting a not good enough neurological rehabilitation programme and not being satisfied, I could have possibly searched harder to find more on what else – as the year lost whilst we did some and not all of the programme was a waste . . . time spent investigating what mainstream could offer was another waste of Skye’s developmental stages.

5) – When I found Kenja – I could have gone against everything Keith wanted and gone to Sydney to do the course as Skye was the most present ever when they worked with her.

6) – Finding Reiki was a Godsend – and possibly I could have found them earlier?  Also it would have been far more useful had I been attuned to Reiki when pregnant or at any time prior to her birth – as I could have had the tools – my own healing hands – in all the time she was screaming and I was holding her.

7) – Not getting involved with parent support group politics,  Far more egos involved there and not nearly enough thoughtful questioning and therapeutic intention.

8) – Getting Keith to leave earlier . . . It meant I was finally actually doing what I had been – doing it all myself – but without the brake – as he was so very good at passively obstructing the process.

9) – Not getting her vaccinated for MMR A parent’s dilemma. http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=d40suCKnjbI http://vaccinationdilemma.com/ This was the beginning of a huge period of trying to save her and maternal exhaustion as I battled to keep her alive and sane for over a year.   She was never as good as she had been prior to the vaccination.

10) – Finding Melatonin – I would have had a far easier life had someone suggested that as a highly autistic person she had wonky brain chemistry – her inability to sleep was devastating to both of us.  I did not get her started on this till she was 19 years old. . . an incredible journey of maternal devotion . . . and then picked up and followed on by Patricia.  Kathryn’s sleeping then meant she was far calmer in the day and a little more likely to pay attention and not go into self harm and abject distress.

11) – Only being one woman, replete in inner resources, but few outer ones.  I did all as I could as quickly and as courageously as I could.

Wearing out is what all humans do at some point. The fact that when accidentally pregnant at the end of a relationship and having a child who looked like being about to die – as she was at 7 1/ years old – meant that the ensuing unwanted pregnancy and much loved baby took over and Kathryn was let behind to apparently fend for herself in another chapter of this mother’s journey.

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